Ain't No Meteorite 

you went hiking and you found a little pebble
and itís heavy and it's magnetized
and you think it must be made of iron metal
and now you're seeing dollar signs
so you call me at the college on the double
and you want me to identify
but let me be the one to burst your bubble
it ain't no frickin meteorite

you went digging in a little marble quarry
and some sparkly crystals caught your eye
and you think you're gonna make expensive jewelry
cause you read it on a gem website
so you show up at my office in the morning
and i'm gonna try to make this polite
i don't mean to take away your crystal glory
but no one wants to buy your calcite

yeah iíve seen it all
that's why they call me a professional
i know you're proud of what you got
but this rock ain't worth diddly squat
i'm not saying that youíll never be wealthy
but this preoccupation doesn't seem healthy
donít give up your day jobby
better keep it a hobby on the weekend

you went panning in a California river
and you found some shiny flakes of dust
and you think you can retire to forever
cause you just brought back the gold rush
well i hate to be a negative professor
but lots of things are lots of things are vitreous
so unless you think this mica is a treasure
your mining boom looks like a bust

you went swimming on a Caribbean island
and you found a flashy rock in the sand
and youíre certain that you have a fancy diamond
so you message me on Instagram
but your pictureís out of focus and itís blurry
itís probably just a piece of glass
thereís no need to quit your day job in a hurry
cause there ainít no diamonds in the Yucatan

because iíve seen it all
that's why they call me a professional
i know you're proud of what you brought
but your rock ain't worth diddly squat
i'm not saying that youíll never be wealthy
but your preoccupation doesn't seem healthy
donít give up your day jobby
better keep it a hobby on the weekend

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